My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
