No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
