eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
