You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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