I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just found puke in my bra..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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