So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
