OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
