How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
