You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
