I hate all girls vehemently.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
