go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
