mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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