I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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