Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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