need another drink. this is the easiest way
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
