Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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