I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Randomize
