my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
