I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
