Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
