don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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