One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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