If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
