We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
