I got chris browned last night
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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