I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
