new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
