Betty ford says i'm here all night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
