Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
