Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
