mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
why do cheetos always look like penises
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
