There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
