Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
