My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
