we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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