I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
