I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
