Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
