Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
