Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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