He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
two words: eviction party
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
