I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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