We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
