Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
