He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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