I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
