I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
