Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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