There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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