I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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